Because It's Better To Be Irrational With Me Than Rational With Someone Else ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I WISH HE HAD NOT DIED. My student's death affected me in ways that it should not have. I do not react well to death of people I felt close to. In fact, I cannot imagine anybody reacting to death favorably. Eitherway, besides shutting myself in and being in massive denial, I overwork myself beyond my limits. With my student, I decided not to go to his funeral. No, not out of disrespect for him. I knew that if I went and have seen this happy, talented, and smart kid lie there dead, I would not be able to cope with his death. I should NOT be so affected by his death to this point, but his family and friends are making it more personal to me than it should have been. They are on my ass for not showing up. I did not understand this: I was JUST his TA! Not a big fucking part of his life! By chance, I realized that my bf's best friend grew up with my student. They lived next to each other since they were born. When we three (me, my bf, and his best friend) realized that we both knew him, the best friend realized something else: who I was to the kid. Apparently, I was not JUST a TA. Not just ANY TA. I was aware of the fact that the student liked me. The many notes, cute comments, and emails were pretty clear about that fact. He even refused to pick up his report just so he would have an excuse to see me again. Apparently, I had SUCH an impact on him, that he decided to excell in school just for me. He wanted to learn things about my culture. He wanted be the best chemist he could be, because I told him he will if he just applies himself. He talked about me to everybody. EVERYBODY. So that's how I found out that I was "the TA that changed his life for the better." At the funeral, which I did not attend, everybody was upset that I did not show. Everybody wanted to know where was "this TA that turned his life around, that TA with the accent, that TA he was in love with". They called me out on it. I know his friends. I taught them. I know some of the other people (by indirect association through my bf). I never hanged out with them outside of school (except my bf's best friend, but neither go to my school). I was just a TA. Now I feel worse than shit. I cry. I cannot even go into denial. I do not even want to open my desk, because the first thing on top is his paper. I cannot do my work, because I cry, and I cannot see the computer screen. I cannot deal with this. If I knew that I affected him in such a way, if I knew that he told his friends and family of his feelings towards me... I would have went... I did not want to disrespect anybody. I did not... The other TAs that had him in class think his death was "fucked up*". That's it. The professors think it was just sad. And here I am, crying all the time, and seeing his face in the crowds. RIP. You were a good person. From the little I knew you, I knew the things they said about you, were ALL true. _______________ 2:14 a.m. - February 21, 2009 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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