Because It's Better To Be Irrational With Me Than Rational With Someone Else

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This Vivid Metal Tasting Skinless Form That Is Me

the skin. it itches. scratching and benadryl do not help. i can almost visualize thousands of tiny little bugs crawling on my hands, legs, and scalp. i can just see them digging underneath my skin and laying eggs. i can scratch until it bleeds, but the itchiness does not stop.
"crawling bugs, eh?" comments Stan.
startled me asks if he can see them. so i am not crazy after all.
he shakes his head, "it's just in your head." and then asks if i'm up for a walk.

it's the taste that suffers next. he orders coffee. i buy coffee, juice, and water.
"thirsty much?" he comments.
"it's to wash down one with the other."
"don't like the taste?"
"it all tastes like metal. nickel. copper. zinc." i list the metals i stuck in my mouth one time or the other.
"if it all tastes the same, why the variation?"
"different drink, different texture, different pH, different metal."
at the end, your favorite food makes you want to throw up at the sight. eating is just not a priority anymore; it's not on the to-do list anymore. force it once a day or once in two days just to survive.

sleeping is not a problem until it becomes one. i down coffee like it's going out of style. and yet, me feeling fully awake is never truly accomplished. i dose off and dream vividly and colorfully and painfully. when awake, i hallucinate. bugs and creatures and crawlers and gross things. i wake up to the mountains of dead cadavers of bugs of sorts. i push them off to get out of bed. push them off on another mountain of decaying bodies of creatures.

"i am losing my mind." i say to Stan.
"it gets easier from here." he says.
"without a mind?"
"no. the side effects. it's a tough medication, but give it another week or so, and you'll be better." he takes a sip of coffee. he looks into space. "but without a mind, a person is so much more free." and he smiles.

whatever whoever tells you, Stan and I are not dating. we are also not sleeping together. we just spend every possible free moment with each other.

11:18 p.m. - June 05, 2009

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