Because It's Better To Be Irrational With Me Than Rational With Someone Else

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because see, Life is Good. Some are just too blind to see it.

The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night. - Nietzsche.

I got an email from my father. It was about being decrepit and old and forgotten. His way of saying: Happy Birthday� little bit too soon if you ask me. My birthday is 11/30. Not today, not yesterday. Sorry. November 30 is what my legal documents say; it must be true then, right?

I never saw myself living past age 25, even as a kid I'd say: yea, so I will train to be an astronaut, do that for couple years, and then I cease to exist after my 25th birthday. Pretty drab, if you ask me. We'll find out in couple days.

Meanwhile, I contemplate on different ways of making this come to fruition; not the astronaut part� we all know that won't happen no more� I came to terms with it� sort of. My soul died when I found out I will never become an astronaut because of my sick brain� part of my soul still weeps when I look at the moon. But then, I do not really believe in souls.

Stocking a pharmacy because I am so sick and being a chemist helps. You get to learn things like lethal doses of caffeine which you know exactly how to extract from a tea bag twice used. If you're in the chemistry business long enough, even sand and water suddenly have MSDS sheets attached to them. Who knew that sand could be carcinogenic in the right doses? Frankly, eat sand all you wish, but I think being in love will kill you faster than cancer. I know what I'm talking about. I'm a chemist.

Eitherway. I take my batch of meds twice a day, and think: hey, if I took three times my dose that would off me. Better be sure and take the whole bottle and down it with Baileys. I'm a chicken when it comes to slashing my veins. I actually really have no reason to be depressed. I am not depressed if I think about it. I think it's all in my head, my meds should, according to the papers, make me depressed so I feel I am depressed. Some fucked up psychology there. In fact, I am so tired of being tired. I wake up tired, I am tired the whole day, I go to sleep tired. I see Stan in my bedroom. I am afraid because I fear that although I know it's a hallucination, he might be real at some point. I got rid of any happiness I had, now I am just floating on the content boat, the happy yacht sailed away.

I pat my left ear continuously. The buzzing won't go away. I look like one of those women tapping their weave because they cannot scratch that itch. All they can do is tap it. So I tap and pat, and it still buzzes.

I am behind all deadlines. The paperwork just multiplies and I don't even touch it. Papers waiting to be published. Applications for grants and what-nots waiting to be submitted. I sleep walk. I am too tired. I hate the medication. Everything is one big blur of a hallucination that is my life at the moment. Some of it is in fact a hallucination.

Stan tells me that when I turn 25 I will be a quarter-century old which for a woman is like 85. I might as well just give up now. I call him grandpa in turn, he just turned 30. AND is single.
"I could still pass for one of your people, them in mid 20s." He says. He does not lie, he looks younger than your average 25 year old.
"I get still carded for rated R movies." I say. I won't even mention trying to get into a bar� I need to prove my ID with a backup ID� and sometimes that does not suffice.

I count off the pills. After thinking, hey this will off me, I swallow the normal dose and see my stash slowly depleting. A set back of sorts if I were to off myself, but a step forward into the continued living. Another day awaits me.

I swallow the pill and smile. Life is good. While sucking the life out of me, the medication keeps me alive... and for the pain it puts me through... hell, it's worth it. Because see, life is good. Some are just too blind to see it.

1:43 a.m. - November 27, 2009

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

random entry

----------
other diaries:

alienamiss
silver4
perplexing
nononename
opposure
cocoabean
star-brite
achmardi
outer-jessie
non-descript
jenniesblog

----------
recent entries:

Test - April 28, 2017
My PhD Made Me Obsolete In Human Language - February 18, 2012
... I revisited the bathroom after I regained the ability to move, and I realized that anything that could've been broken, was; anything that could've been thrown in disarray, was. But my brain could not recollect how I have managed to do such - January 30, 2012
I Might Have Had a Slight Lapse in Judgement - January 29, 2012
A moment for reflection: - January 01, 2012
Site Meter