Because It's Better To Be Irrational With Me Than Rational With Someone Else

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-

Inhale; exhale.
Inhale; exhale.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale inhale exhale!

I'm having a panic attack.

I really have no reason for it. But I feel hurt, betrayed, lied to, heart-broken. See, Stan… and I DO NOT have any proof for this really, just going by my instincts, is seeing another. We haven't hugged for a while. We haven't kissed for over two weeks.

Panic.

Paranoia.

I knew how he was. I knew he cannot be tamed. But He told me that he had feelings for me for a long while, which I knew to be true… it was apparent to everybody. Still, I called it bullshit, I said I will end up hurt at the end. He said he would never deliberately hurt me (I believed it, I knew if something fell apart it would've been because of the way he was, and because of the way I am).

I'm trying to control this, but my chest is hurting more.

It's not like we act any different now than before. Actually, today he was little bit extra happy to see me. He was all giddy and chatty. But I knew otherwise. Paranoia?

I need to relax.

He didn't offer me a ride home. He always did, at least prior to us declaring our feelings to each other.

The sad part is, is that no matter if he realizes it or not (probably does and that scares him the most), we are good for each other. We are the same. Everything about us is the same. We understand each other better than anyone else. And we started this mess, knowing it is going to be a mess since we work in the same 2-people research group (do your math, it's just me and him). We were best friends coming into this. Just feelings, nothing else, were declared.

I feel hurt, but it's my own damn fault. That I got feelings…

I hurt many people before him, it's my turn.

I'll just turn on a smile tomorrow, give my best-friend-act. It will be Oscar worthy act. I'll pretend nothing happened. It will be great.

I am crying now, but relaxing. At least I can breathe.

At the end, it is for the best. We both knew I will leave South for the summer, and then in two years I will move there. We both knew that in two years he will move North. It's best this ends, and we stay friends (I'll fake my ass through this) until then, instead of loving and then losing.

Oh fuck, here we go again with the panic attack round 2!

8:19 p.m. - June 01, 2010

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