Because It's Better To Be Irrational With Me Than Rational With Someone Else

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Ah... To Have Goals and Aspirations... To Dream..

The sun was shining into the auditorium. I was nice and bright and I was on the roll. I was speaking chemistry, lasers, optics, math, government, safety... and I was good. I did not stutter, NOT once! I smiled, I made eye contact, I made some tough-faced scientists laugh. I was GOOD. When I ended, people clapped and cheered, I was excited!

My advisor and my committee chair approached me and congratulated me. The ACS representative came up and gave me a free life-time ACS membership. So, you're done, they say while shaking my hand. Yea, how about that. You should be proud, so many papers published, so many presentations at conferences, so many conference talks, and now! Now, you've graduated! You got a PhD in THREE years! Now, THAT's something! They praise. I smile, fake modesty since I have no care either way. So, now what? What now?! You get a job! That's what's now! They laugh. I don't know how I feel about this, I say smiling, what else can I do? Well, how about you stick around here for a little, maybe additional year? So it would seem it took you the � normal... four years to do PhD. I might as well do that. I shook more hands, and then proceeded back to my office.

I check my mail. I got an email from ASEE (American Society for Engineering Education). I got into the SMART program. Oh, great. But I graduated. Oh the pity! I get a call from DoD: Hey, you got the SMART! Congratulations!! So, now what? YOU COME DOWN HERE, THAT'S WHAT'S NOW! Ah, but that's... not really in my plans right now... What's in your plans that's better than coming down here! Do you understand what this means to be in SMART?? Yes, but... I got no goals at the moment. None. We bid adieus, and hang up.

I walk outside, people shaking my hand, patting me on the back, congratulating. I don't care. Mostly. Stan comes up, smiles sadly, so now what? What will you do now? Stick around? Go to DoD? Neither. I have no plans. I'm gonna wing it. I'm gonna go away. Away from jobs, away from education, away from everything bad. I'm gonna wing it at trying life.

I smiled. He smiled knowing what I meant. He hugged me and bid me goodbye. I walked away from the building I spent three years in... and I have not looked back. I was free. Free of jobs, free of commitments, free to live.

Then to ruin all this, I woke up. I checked my email just in case there was a notice from ASEE. None. All was good. And I went to work to Stan who would send me pictures of boogers. All was normal. I guess, I guess if I have to, really really have to, I will stick around for another year.... at least until I get my PhD!

12:23 a.m. - March 03, 2011

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