Because It's Better To Be Irrational With Me Than Rational With Someone Else

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Yea. It So Did Happen!

In a sick twist of events on April's Fools Day as a prank, Nature blessed me with a fever so high I was almost delusional. But lets start little bit earlier...

On Thursday, I was not feeling too well, and told my boss I most likely won't show up on the First. He smiled and joked he understands if I have to take a day off to cry about me losing the award/fellowship. I laughed saying, I already prepared myself for not getting it, thus, crying would be useless. By 5PM that day, the DAY the award notifications were supposed to be sent out, I tired of checking the email, and went to bed in suffering. Sickness was coming.

On Friday, I have done more work at-home that day than in I would've done during three in-office days. All under a high fever. The work emails kept coming every twenty minutes and each time I suffered minor heart attack thinking it was from the government. By 5PM I lost all hope, after all, that's when Government officials officially head home. By 5PM I was already sweating and hallucinating under my fever. By 5:05PM I received an email. A very short paragraph which can be summarized to �CONGRATULATIONS�. I stared at it. I am hallucinating. I stared at it. It's a � April's Fools joke... it must be! I clicked on the link to my account, indeed... I got the DoD award. I emailed my boss: �Hey... so here's all the work I did, but by the way... I got the fellowship, but don't take my word for it, I'm delusional today.�
Then I swallowed a bottle of NyQuil.

On Saturday, I celebrated. In a classy way. Sushi place. Then shopping. Then dessert place. Then the tea place. Then the bars. All classy.

On Monday, my boss told EVERYbody that I got one of the most prestigious grants/fellowships/scholarships that a student can get. I nodded. Okay. Sure. Am I happy? Oh no. I think Life is messing with me. It will come back to bite me in the ass.
Last year when I applied for this exact program, I submitted a top notch essays along with my top notch application. I did not even get as far as semi-finals.
This year, I was forced to apply by my project manager at the Navy. I did it, knowing that I am NOW an undesirable candidate � I am a third year PhD student, and according to the program, very useless since I cannot be molded anymore; by third year, I got my own goals and ideas and opinions and could not be brainwashed by any employers. Then it so happened, I became extremely upset at the project manager and decided to jeopardize my chances of getting the award (don't question the logic here), so I did it by writing the WORST essays I could have thought up. The five hundred word essay answering why I would like to work for DoD, what I said can be summarized to these words: it's not the questions of why I would like to work for DoD, it is the question why YOU need ME.
And somehow that did the deed.

Thus, while a normal person would be happy to be interviewed by the local papers and congratulated by almost everybody, I shrug. I can't be happy. I know that if I even show as much as a hint of pride at my accomplishments, Life will bite me in the ass for this essay. It will all come down in ruins. I will fall like the Roman Empire and sink like Atlantis. I will be just a myth, a shadow. I was too ahead of my time.

Pfft.

12:57 a.m. - April 07, 2011

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