Because It's Better To Be Irrational With Me Than Rational With Someone Else


The BALLSIEST Moment In My Life that Somehow Worked Towards My Advantage

Last Friday, I had to go to court. And I learned a LOT. Firstly, I learned not to sit in the second row (or the front of the courtroom, for that matter). Soon enough real convicts donned in the orange jumpsuits and chains and what nots were sat right in front of me, so I could smell their … guilt. Great, that almost made me piss myself. I prayed to God that the cops did a great job in frisking them (hmm, they frisked me and gave me shit for having a graphing calculator). Also, dress up, even if you're the only fool to do so (I was that fool).

I quickly caught on that His Honor was in a pissy mood and every person was as guilty as the convict in front of me who beat a person to a coma. I started cursing my lawyer to the lowest rings of hell: bastard was MIA and left my case all to myself.

And finally it was my turn. HIS HONOR started grinning and loudly recited the charges against me. Warrant for my arrest for failing to turn in my suspended plates, registration, and what nots... because I had an insurance lapse. I slowly raised my documents showing that it is in fact a clerical error, and I never had an insurance lapse, and thus I should have never had any suspensions, and consequently no warrant; but HIS HONOR ignored that and stated: “I will do something unusual here, and just plead guilty for you,” and he listed all the thousands of dollars of fines I have to pay on top of court fees. And that's when I lost it.

I basically told HIS HONOR what I think of him and his judgement. I called the system corrupt. I had the proof of innocence and yet he refused to acknowledge it and PLEAD FOR ME. I didn't even realize how dead the courtroom became. At that moment, that moment marked the moment where I gave up*: I knew that with a guilty charge, I will not get a security clearance and consequently lose the award I got and my job. So as far as I was concerned, I did not care anymore.

I do not need to tell you that my little “remark” did not sit well with the Judge. He went on a rampant spiel how my generation thinks everything should be handed to them on a silver plate. My generation this and that and we suck major ass. I stopped listening, I just waited for the cops to cuff me. As I said: I gave up. But none of that happened, and finally after he finished his angry screaming fest, he asked me if I can afford a lawyer. “Yes, I can, but the bitch bailed out on me today”. So the judge advised me to go to the DA and if he (the judge) was in a good mood I can even appeal THAT day. Which... I did.

The first words out of the DA's mouth were that he was stunned at my little ballsy stunt out there and more surprised that I was not put in an orange jumpsuit for contempt of court. But after reviewing my case, he said it is relatively clear that I was NEVER at fault. He sketched out a nice PLEA OFFER which requested dismissal of all the charges, erasing of my criminal file with all the fees waived (including the court fee). He asked me if I wished anything else added to the Plea Offer. I wished a public apology from the judge for the screaming fest. While my last comment was mostly meant as a joke, the DA took it seriously and included it in the Offer. Then I was back in the courtroom with HIS HONOR. He laughed at my offer but to everybody's surprise agreed with it. He then publicly apologized.

And quite honestly, his apology... ALMOST made up for all the shit I was put through.

Then I stood there like a retard and asked for some paper or proof that my case is going into the local incinerator, but His Honor laughed and stated: “No. This here did not happen. Your arrest did not happen. Thus there will be no paper trail that any of this happened, because.... it did not happen.” I still stood there, but finally it hit me that there were more convicts in line to be considered guilty. So I left... the place I have never been to for reasons that never happened. And you never read this.

*this also marks my BALLSIEST and PROUDEST moments of my life.

3:01 p.m. - June 22, 2011


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