Because It's Better To Be Irrational With Me Than Rational With Someone Else


Summary of My Bar Outting Written In the Most Obnoxious Stream of Words. You're Welcome.

Finance guy looks at me and shakes his head: “No way can you rob my Soldier friend.”
“Pfft, watch me. Give me a minute and I'll demonstrate you a fool proof pickpocketing method,” I scoff.
I put my right hand on Soldier's thigh, then move it to his chest, all the while winking and flirting with the Soldier. At the same time I move my left hand to his butt, squeeze one pocket, nothing, I move to the next one, where I proceed to remove the wallet. Two minutes later, I wave Soldier's wallet in Finance's face. “See, freaking easy as hell.”
“Right. This method is faulty. I mean, what guy wouldn't want to have his ass grabbed by a beautiful girl like yourself?” Finance disses my method.
“EXACTLY, that's why it's fool proof!” I exclaim. I had a point.

As Soldier and I are enjoying our three hour moment there, my friend came to burst my bubble: “So I went to the bathroom and you shall never believe who I saw? Your love with all his buddies. So I go up to him and I'm like, 'DUDE, she's here and you better say hi'. His buddies were all like 'what? The [my nationality] girl is here?!' and I was like, 'hell yea, she's here, and if you don't do anything, she will just go off with this soldier', so yea, your buddy is here.” I jump off Soldier's embrace shocked: I just got spotted by the guy I was crushing on: the shy Filmmaker. How do I juggle two guys? Holy crap! And shit, the obnoxious girl Jay is here and her sidekick Hippie. I go up to Jay embraced by Soldier. Jay sees me and is like OMG HE IS SO HOT IS HE YOUR BOYFRIEND OMFG YOU GUYS LOOK SO GOOD TOGETHER OMG. And I nod and say nonchalantly, yes, he is my man. Soldier nods approvingly and admits: and she is my woman. And Jay says: OMG YOU TOTALLY FIT TO EACH OTHER OMG. I roll my eyes. Then I excuse myself from the Soldier saying that I saw my friend (Filmmaker) come in and I want to say hi. I squeeze through all the bar people who somehow know me and go up to the Filmmaker and hug him the moment I am out of Soldier's visual path and OMG WE LOOK SO GOOD TOGETHER. And he starts talking and I am loving it because I am totally into this guy, but then I see Soldier all alone so I say to Filmmaker (since he isn't moving for another couple years and Soldier-boy will be leaving in a week to Baltimore and I'm going to DC in a year....) “Hey my friend came from Baltimore, I don't wanna be rude, so I just came over to say hi to you, but lets meet up later.” I get hugs and kisses and holy crap lets hang out definitely man, definitely. So I squeeze through more men to get to the Soldier. And I smile and jump into Soldier's embrace the moment Filmmaker loses sight of me: being short comes to the rescue! And Soldier loves me and he tells me we should meet up once I'm in DC and he's in Baltimore and since I travel to DC non stop, we should meet up as soon as in two weeks. And I am like, omg we totally should, let me touch your butt again. And then as we are falling in love, Finance came in and it's all like: “Soldier! [my name]! lets go and dance! Lets go to this and this joint and DAAANCE, you [my nationality] you can be all over my Soldier man, lets go!!” and I decline saying i'm drunk and as much as I love Soldier, I am sooooooooooooo going to this joint and they can join me later. And we exchange kisses on the cheeks and we wave goodbyes filled with promises of finding each other in the other bars. And then! AND THEN I SPOT JAY WITH HIPPIE DRAGGING MY SOLDIER AND FINANCE and the rest of the boys out to the dancey club. OMFG.

I drag my friend and we go to the bar/lounge. We join some random people for a game of wits, and I am so uncoordinated but actually winning at the game. I play more games, I play war with uno cards, checkers with chess pieces, and jenga with jenga pieces. And I am winning. I SPOT FILMMAKER, HE SO TOTALLY KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE HERE. And I drag him to sit with me. And then and then OMFG HIPPIE DRAGGED MY SOLDIER AND SAT IN FRONT OF ME WANTING TO JOIN THE GAME. SOLDIER is molesting me with his eyes and I am totally returning the favor <3 holy shit holy shit, FILMMAKER is HUGGING ME. I pound fists with SOLDIER when he doesn't topple the tower over, and I high five FILMMAKER and Hippie is pissed and Jay and I just DON”T KNOW WHAT I”M DOING. Then Hippie drags SOLDIER away from me, and he just stares back at me pleadingly, I jump over the table and topple the tower down, and jump through Filmmaker and say goodbye to the soldier. To Filmmaker I say “my friend is moving, i'll miss all my friends.” Filmmaker is empathetic to my situation (?! what situation?!) His best friend the Youngin', pulls me to the side and wants to have a serious talk....
“Look, my friend here, Filmmaker, if you don't like him....” he starts off... oh God, I don't want to do this talk. Did he find me out? Juggling two men? But no.... “so here's the thing. He's shy. Painfully shy. He's probably cardiac arresting each time he speaks to you. But here's the thing, if you don't like him, don't lead him on. He's my man, I love him, he's my bro, you know? So don't lead him on. If you don't like him, cuz he really really really likes you, but if you don't,... that's fine. I'd like to take you out on a date then, because you know. You're fucking awesome and adorable and I hear you're smart too. I'd like to give you my number.” What?! WTF?! I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING. “What's your relationship to FILMMAKER again?” He's confused, “We're the bestests friends ever.” “Then why are you trying to scoop me up from him?” “Because he's shy.” “Well.. I don't care, I like him. And I will not give you my number because I like HIM.” And as I announce my love to the Filmmaker, Soldier walks by pleading with his eyes to free him from the Hippie and Jay and I say with my eyes, soon my dear, soon.
I am slowly getting sober. Filmmaker makes plans of grandeur. Passion. Each time we remove Jenga blocks, we touch. Youngin' keeps on staring and telling me ever so discretely that if Filmmaker won't make a move and I won't make a move then he will jump in and make a move. And I say, you drunk man, you drunk, don't be like that, he's your man, whats wrong with you fool? Loyalty much? And then the bars closes.

I hug and hug and hug and hug the Filmmaker. OMG I like him so much! He leaves with his entourage. Out the door he goes. I make last run to the Soldier-boy, to save him from Jay and Hippie. He stands there defeated and brightens when he sees me. Jay is like where do we eat at this time of the day, and i'm like who knows, Denny's or some other shit. Jay likes the idea and declares her and Hippie and Finance and Soldier and Frenchie and Volunteer and what not go with them. I bounce, but Soldier screams after me: COME WITH US. I turn around jump into his embrace and I say: I don't eat at Denny's, but let's meet up in Baltimore/DC in two weeks. He agrees and everybody else is pissed. I leave the bar.

Outside Filmmaker and entourage are standing. I throw myself at the Filmmaker, and I give my final goodbye and blow a kiss. Then I skip through the street giving high fives and pounding fists with whoever says something to me.

I go to sleep. I wake up to my phone going off. Texts from the Soldier, texts from Filmmaker, texts from the Millionaire. Texts. What do those people want from me? I never even kissed them. Hmm....

1:24 a.m. - June 27, 2011


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