Because It's Better To Be Irrational With Me Than Rational With Someone Else

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Because That's My Life, And You Better Accept It

People are confused by me, but when I try to explain my logic or why I am the way I am, they reject my life as something that is highly unlikely to have happened. So, that is why when I constantly talk about myself (and I can do that for hours), I do not give any substantial information. Hardly anybody knows anything about me.

So, you… yes, you! You, who complain I am confusing and my actions are hard to understand. You, who complains but never inquires about my life, and if you do, you dismiss my life as something made up. This is dedicated to you!

Remember the time I said I left NJ to live and go to college in Boston? Have you wondered how I got there? I ran away. There. Oh yea, I did. And I did not have anywhere to live for couple weeks. What? But I have a trust fund? So, fucking what?! I have shitloads of things! I do own couple houses in my country, I do come from a gated community in said country, I did have a maid and a cook. Yea, yea, but see, the way I was raised is to consider and use only the money I earned myself. *

Did I ever tell you that when I was couple months old I was given away by my parents? Oh yea, didn't know that, did you? Was raised by my grandma, who believed I should be raised as a normal child contrary to my financial, and such, background. So I went to public school, and had to make new friends. This proved harder due to the fact that the kids knew I was not one of them. So I was bullied.
Could it go worse from there? Oh yes. My real family won green cards and my parents decided to include me in the move to USA. Oh yea, now they remembered they had a daughter! Twelve years later, but better later than never? Really now?

They did not accept the fact I was sick, and I chose to accept that by rejecting it as well and living dangerously and on the edge. I lived in dreams of perfect careers, that one by one was shattered. This time, I was not bullied in school, because you Americans are all tolerant and fabulous, sure why not. But home was different. I was not part of the family, I was never part of the family. So I am twelve and for the first time I have nobody to help me deal with my problems; my grandma is thousands of miles away. But as always, grandma or not, I am alone, I am the mistake, I am the dump-me-on-somebody-else baby, I am someone else's problem… never yours.

Did not know that either?
Did you know how I was also abused by my close friend? Oh yea, very close friend he was indeed. I was 20-21 years old. Alone and in Boston and abused.
Did I tell you that I was shot at? No… I did not. Why would I? That is an overload of bad things to happen to one person, un-fucking-believable, right? Shit…

Did you know the real reason why I left Boston? The only place, that no matter what happened, I was really truly happy? Yea, but see, that is something I will never tell anyone. But something happened, something that should have never happened to any person, to any woman, to anybody. So there.

Around the same time I lost my fianc�. The only person who knew me, the only person who cared, the only person for me.
Around the same time, I fell into a coma, and woke up to realize I am back to living with my parents. Oh joy!

Soon enough I could not stand it. Overloading with six classes and working two-three part time jobs, were not enough to keep me sane and not depressed, so I ran away once again. This time I had a plan. This time, it worked. I freed myself. I was free but I was alone.
I finished college, and now I am in New York (state). Life is not bad, but I am slowly suffering. I live in constant pain with my half-prosthetic knee, with my fucked up brain, and with my failing kidneys.

See, you and I are NOT the same. There is no reason for you to understand me, especially since you are not even trying. No! saying I confuse you and I am hard to understand, is not trying to understand me. You saying that my life is exaggerated and made up, is saying that I am exaggerated and made up, that I am not who I say I am. Well, screw you. Damn you to the lowest circles of hell. I wish my life upon nobody.

See, what I go through makes me stronger and more tolerant to everybody else. I do not assume that because you tell me you have a trust fund, you have not been homeless… I have been there.

I like everybody equally. I dislike people only AFTER they give me a reason to dislike them.

See, if you knew anything about me, you would know why I am wary of new friends, why it is hard for me to trust just about anybody. You would know why there is no place in the world that I call home, and why at the same time, every place is a possible temporary shelter. You would know why I am unable to show feelings as these were never taught to me. If you cared, you would know why I would bend backward to help a random person as well as a friend; as strangers helped me more than anybody else.

Leave me alone if you do not care. I do not want to be bothered. I do not want negativity around me, I have had enough. But let me tell you this: please, never shut anybody out, some people just need to be heard. Sometimes that is the only thing that helps dealing with loneliness and feeling of abandonment. Hear them out before you just simply say they got problems.

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*the trust fund, the estates, and the living-will-money that my grandma signed off to me were what i call a preventive gift. she did not want me ever being homeless, and wanted to provide for me as my parents have never done. if i had a proper childhood, like my brother, maybe i would be less tolerant and open minded, maybe i would be less nice to others.... oh shut up.