Because It's Better To Be Irrational With Me Than Rational With Someone Else

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My Letter To You


Dear You:

As You know, when I get drunk, the misanthropic me is replaced by the loving me. I approach everybody and tell them why I appreciate them. If you are creative and nice, you know that I will tell you this. I will then finish my tirade with a big embrace and a kiss on the cheek.

You asked me if I would do the same to you even though each time I see You I always make it a point to mention how cruel You are to me. I said yes, I would.

On Friday, I did get drunk. But You were not there. I took my phone and started writing You a text message. I wrote how much I appreaciate your morbid and dry humor. How I love the fact You are really smart. That I appreciate your interest in me, although expressed in cruel way. I also wrote how I wish You just ended this game, and just threw me against the wall and made out with me. I added that I do have a crush on You and it is slowly eating me from the inside since I do not have the balls to tell You this. While I do not buy this bullshit that it is a man's job to make the first move, I cannot expose myself like this to You. So I wrote You all this. I was finishing the text with promising You that I will pay You for the text, even though You mentioned that You have unlimited texts.

The text never reached You. My phone died on the last line. Good.

I meant EVERY single word there. I did. But I do not think You deserve to hear it. Not just yet. Now without You contributing in some way as well.

At first, I thought that You were mean to me, because I am an easy target, and I laugh along with the joke. But I realized You make mean comments when I do not even do anything that puts me on the spot.

Then, I thought You are just a cruel person that hurts everybody around him. But after the couple intimate conversations we had, I realized this is not true.

Now I know You are playing the pre-school game, where being cruel and mean is your way of flirting with me. Yes, we already established this. You already told me. But don't You think that it is time to stop? Now that I know, can't You just... I don't know, take me out? Go for a walk with me?

I appreciate Your sarcasm. I appreciate Your snarky comments. I appreciate all that. But sometimes... sometimes You cross the line between being funny-mean and just plain cruel.

I told You that I do not really have feelings. I was always alone; did not have a real family... I do not know how it is to express feelings or feel anything but pure emptiness. Your words cannot really hurt me. And I know You are the same way.

But at the end, I fear of being myself in front of You. I fear that whatever I say, I will be made a joke out of. And not a joke that I can laugh at as well.

You know the joke You made about my stuttering? I stuttered most of my childhood. Speech therapy helped and teasing stopped. Now, I stutter only when I'm nervous... and that one and only time I stuttered in front of You, You took advantage of it. So classy of you.

Please. I really like You. I know You like me too. I cannot imagine my stay in this grad school without being Your friend. I know you feel the same way. But know, that You will lose me, if You do not take some action.

Yours,

Me.


9:00 p.m. - November 10, 2008

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